Authentic (allegedly) complaints received by Local Councils from their
Tenants:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my
fence.  Not only is this making a hell of a noise, but the fence is
now sagging in the middle.

This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside
toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age
pensioner and need it straight away.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.

It's all right when my husband is on day-shift, but when he's on
back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr Docherty
next door and at my age it's too much.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
third, so  will you please send someone to do something about it.

The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if
you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of
me every night.

Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the
wife.

Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the woman next door closed
the door the other night, she pulled at my knob too hard and now it's
ready to fall off.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still
have no satisfaction.

We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden
before we move into the house.